Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Come At Me, Bro
BRO is a popular network analysis and monitoring platform among many higher education Security Offices. Those who use it think very highly of it. I dedicate this two minute play to them.
"Come At Me, Bro"
STAGE CENTER, BRO (MID-30S IT SECURITY PROFESSIONAL, BUSINESS CASUAL DRESS) SITTING AT A SIMPLE DESK WITH A LAPTOP HOOKED UP TO A MONITOR ON TOP. BRO IS SEATED IN PROFILE, SO WE'RE LOOKING AT THE SIDE OF THE DESK AND BRO IS FACING STAGE LEFT. SINGLE SPOTLIGHT SHINES FROM BACK OF THE HOUSE ON BRO AND DESK.
BRO (typing on laptop):
I see you. (TYPING) And I see you. (MORE TYPING) And you. And you too. I see what you are trying to do.
You there, the TCP packet with no state flags set.
You there, the spammer, sending with no regret.
From China from Russia from IPs in Bombay,
From Jersey, Seattle, San Francisco Way.
Your traffic flies by me, each bit hits my eye.
The gusts hit me hard, and I try not to cry.
BRO STANDS, CIRCLES THE DESK AND POINTS AT THE SCREEN
But I swallow my tears, my upper lip stiff.
I log it all down, then I start with a diff.
Then I pull out a regex and load my DB,
And the patterns that form are something to see.
BRO GETS PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER AND MANIC, YELLING AT THE SCREEN NOW
You think you can hide as you pop out of TOR?
You think you can 'sploit some hidden backdoor?
You think I won't notice when your DoSes ignite?
You think I will cower and run from this fight?
BRO GRABS THE MONITOR, YANKS IT FROM THE DESK, THE LAPTOP SCATTERS, HE'S NOW SCREAMING INTO THE FACE OF THE MONITOR AND SHAKING IT.
My name is Bro, and I'm on to you!
And I will be watching, whatever you do!
Go ahead, bring it. I dare you to say,
"Come at me, Bro!" Oh, yeah. Let's play!